Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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