the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
