I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
