dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
