and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
