dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
