I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
