I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
