saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
