He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He? As in you personified your dick?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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