That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
