woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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