My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
