I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why do cheetos always look like penises
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
