I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
