Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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