Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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