We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Holy shit dude........stairs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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