for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
