I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize