just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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