Pappa wants mamma naked
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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