it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
