i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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