There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
