Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
