He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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