It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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