thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
