If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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