five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
