literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
