There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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