Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
