so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
