I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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