apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Randomize
