Don't make out with my wife yet
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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