I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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