hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
