I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
