Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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