You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
