Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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