I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
