tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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