I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
