I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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