The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Randomize
