how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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