I haven't been this sober since birth.
Farmville is her only friend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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