I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
