The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
