found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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