just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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