one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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