Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
